LOLSBA BLOG

The SBA's Digital Stone Age: Your Tax Dollars Funded a Tech Graveyard

Ever tried to upload a document to an SBA portal and felt like you were sending a fax to the Titanic? Ever wondered why a simple loan application takes longer to process than it took to build the pyramids? It’s not just you. It’s not just a few overwhelmed employees. The rot at the SBA is deeper, older, and far more pathetic. The entire agency is running on technology so ancient it probably qualifies for Social Security.

While the rest of the world entered the 21st century, the SBA decided to build a permanent settlement in the digital stone age. This isn't just a quirky anecdote about government inefficiency; this technological incompetence is the bedrock upon which every single one of their failures—from the $200 billion COVID fraud festival to the agonizing delays in legitimate loan processing—is built.

The COBOL Crypt-Keepers

Let's talk about COBOL. It’s a programming language developed in 1959. Your toaster has more advanced processing power than the core systems the SBA uses to manage billions of dollars in loans. For decades, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) has been screaming, in increasingly panicked tones, that the SBA's IT infrastructure is a "significant deficiency" and a "material weakness." They've issued report after report, warning that the agency's systems are a house of cards held together by duct tape and prayer.

Did the SBA listen? Of course not. Instead, they kept patching these digital dinosaurs, creating a tangled mess of code so archaic that most of the programmers who understood it have been dead for years. This isn't just mismanagement; it's a deliberate choice to operate in the dark.

How Ancient Tech Fueled the Fraud Fire

When the COVID relief floodgates opened, this tech debt came due with catastrophic consequences. Why was it so easy for criminals to get billions in fraudulent EIDL and PPP loans? Because the SBA's systems couldn't talk to each other. They had no modern, integrated way to cross-reference applications with Treasury data, Social Security records, or even their own internal databases. They were trying to stop a tidal wave of digital fraud with an abacus and a rolodex.

Fraudsters submitted thousands of applications with stolen identities, and the SBA's ancient systems had no way of flagging them. They couldn't even detect when the same Social Security number was used on 50 different applications. The $200 billion fraud crisis wasn't just a failure of policy; it was a complete and total failure of technology. They built a system that was optimized for exploitation.

The Nightmare Continues: It's Not Just About COVID

But this isn't just a story about the pandemic. This technological black hole is actively harming small businesses right now. Business owners applying for standard 7(a) or disaster loans (for things like hurricanes and floods) are being forced to wait six, eight, even twelve months for a decision. Why? Because every application has to be manually entered and re-entered into a patchwork of systems that crash more often than they work.

We talked to a business owner in Louisiana trying to get a disaster loan after Hurricane Ida. "I submitted my application online, and it disappeared," she said. "I called, and they told me they had no record of it. I submitted it again. Three weeks later, they said they needed me to mail them physical copies of the same documents because the 'portal was down for maintenance.' It's 2025. What do you mean the portal is down for months?"

The Bottom Line: They Know It's Broken

The SBA knows their technology is a disaster. They've spent hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars on failed "modernization" projects that go nowhere. They pay contractors exorbitant sums to maintain systems that should have been replaced during the Clinton administration.

This isn't just incompetence. It's a strategic choice. By maintaining a broken, opaque system, they avoid accountability. They can blame glitches, lost files, and system crashes for their failures, all while the real victims—the small business owners of America—are left waiting for a life raft from an agency that has already sunk its own fleet.

The EIDL Default Apocalypse Is Coming. Here's What's Next.

You think this is bad? The threatening letters, the Treasury offsets, the dead-end customer service calls? My friend, this isn't the storm. This is just the sky turning a funny color. The real hurricane, the one that will reshape the entire landscape for small businesses in America for the next decade, is still offshore. But you can feel it coming.

The SBA, in its infinite incompetence, didn't just create a temporary crisis with the COVID EIDL program. They lit the fuse on a multi-stage economic bomb. What we're experiencing now is just the first, deafening blast. The real damage comes from the shockwaves that follow. Here's a weather forecast for the coming apocalypse, because no one at the SBA is going to give you one.

Wave 1: The Great Collections Bloodbath (You Are Here)

This is the phase we're all swimming in right now. After years of pretending they wouldn't go after smaller loans, the SBA flipped the switch. Suddenly, millions of business owners are being targeted by the most powerful collection agency on earth: the U.S. government. They will take your tax refunds. They will garnish your social security. They will ruin your credit with the cold, automated efficiency of a machine designed for exactly that purpose.

This isn't about recovering money from fraudsters. This is about making the numbers look better for Congress. They are terrorizing legitimate business owners to paper over their own catastrophic failures. This phase is designed to do one thing: break you. But what happens when millions of people all break at once? That leads us to the next wave.

Wave 2: The Small Business Credit Desert (Coming 2026-2027)

What do you think happens when banks see millions of government-backed EIDL loans go into default? They don't just blame the SBA. They get scared. They see the entire small business sector as a toxic asset. The long-term effects of the PPP and EIDL fraud have terminally poisoned the well. Getting a traditional bank loan for a small business is about to become nearly impossible.

Your credit score, wrecked by an EIDL default, will be worthless. But even if you stayed current, it won't matter. Banks will tighten their lending standards so much that you'll need a 800 credit score, 200% collateral, and a vial of the CEO's blood just to get a credit card. The SBA didn't just fail to save you during the pandemic; they've actively ruined your ability to get help in the future.

Wave 3: The Taxpayer Shakedown (The Grand Finale)

This is the final, sick punchline to the whole joke. Who pays for the $200 billion in outright fraud? Who pays for the hundreds of billions more in loans that inevitably default because the underlying businesses couldn't survive? It's not the criminals. It's not the incompetent SBA bureaucrats who still have their jobs and pensions. It's you. It's all of us.

Will the EIDL loans ever be forgiven? Don't be naive. You'll be hounded to your grave for your $50,000 loan. But the hundreds of billions lost will be socialized. It will be absorbed into the national debt. It will become a permanent, invisible tax on every single thing you buy. It will be the justification for why there's "no money" for road repairs, healthcare, or future legitimate disaster aid.

The government will have successfully pulled off the greatest magic trick in history: they'll take your money, give it to criminals, fail to get it back, and then make you pay for it all over again. The SBA didn't just oversee a disaster; they've authored the next chapter of our economic decline. Buckle up.

SBA Customer Service: Where Dreams Go to Die and Phone Calls Go to Hell

You know what's worse than getting stabbed? Getting stabbed slowly, repeatedly, by someone who keeps apologizing while they twist the knife. That's exactly what calling SBA customer service feels like. It's a masterclass in psychological torture disguised as government assistance.

We've all been there. Your loan is in limbo, your business is bleeding money, and you need answers. So you dial that magical SBA customer service number, thinking maybe—just maybe—a human being will help you navigate this bureaucratic nightmare. What happens next makes waterboarding look like a spa treatment.

Welcome to Phone Tree Purgatory

First, you're greeted by that robotic voice that sounds like it was recorded by someone who's never experienced human emotion. "Thank you for calling the Small Business Administration. Your call is very important to us." Lie number one. If your call was important, they'd answer it. Instead, you're about to embark on a 45-minute journey through the seventh circle of automated hell.

"Press 1 for general information. Press 2 for loan servicing. Press 3 for disaster assistance." You press 2 because that's obviously what you need. Wrong. Now you get another menu. "Press 1 for PPP loans. Press 2 for EIDL loans. Press 3 for 7(a) loans." You press 2 again. Guess what? Another fucking menu.

By the time you finally hear a human voice, you've aged three years and your business problem has either solved itself or gotten so much worse that bankruptcy is looking like a vacation option.

The Human Confusion Machine

But wait, it gets better. When you finally reach a real person, they sound like they just woke up from a coma and are learning about the SBA for the first time. "Can you repeat your loan number? Okay, let me look that up. Hmm, I'm not seeing anything. Can you spell your last name? Oh, you need to talk to a different department."

These people have the collective knowledge of a soggy sandwich. They can't answer basic questions about their own programs. They contradict each other constantly. One rep tells you your application is being processed, the next one says it was denied three weeks ago, and the third one claims it never existed in the first place.

We spoke to a bakery owner in Michigan who called the SBA fourteen times about the same issue. She got fourteen different answers. "One person told me I needed form 413. Another said that form doesn't exist. A third person said I needed to resubmit my entire application because they changed the requirements last month, but they never told anyone." The best part? When she asked to speak to a supervisor, they put her on hold for 20 minutes and then hung up.

The Script-Reading Zombies

Here's what really grinds my gears: these customer service reps aren't trying to help you. They're trying to get you off the phone as quickly as possible so they can hit their call quotas. They have scripts for everything, and if your problem doesn't fit neatly into one of their pre-written responses, you're screwed.

"I understand your frustration, sir. Let me transfer you to someone who can better assist you." Translation: "I have no idea what you're talking about, and I'm not paid enough to figure it out. Good luck with the next person, who also won't know what they're doing."

They're human chatbots with worse programming. At least when you're talking to an AI, it doesn't pretend to care about your small business while simultaneously destroying it with incompetence.

The Gaslighting Champions

The most infuriating part isn't just the incompetence—it's the gaslighting. When you point out that three different reps gave you three different answers, they act like you're the problem. "Well, sir, regulations change frequently. You need to stay updated on our website." Excuse me? Your own employees don't know your current regulations, but somehow it's my responsibility to keep track of your daily policy flip-flops?

They'll tell you your problem is "very unusual" when it's actually affecting thousands of people. They'll claim your documents weren't received when you have confirmation numbers. They'll insist you spoke to someone who doesn't exist about a program that was discontinued. They've turned lying into an art form.

The Callback That Never Comes

Oh, and don't get me started on the callbacks. "A specialist will call you back within 24-48 hours to resolve this issue." That was three months ago. I'm still waiting. The only calls I get now are from debt collectors because the SBA screwed up my loan so badly that it went into default while they were "processing my request."

The SBA has a customer service department with over 3,000 employees. That's larger than many corporations. What the hell are they all doing? Playing solitaire? Having philosophical debates about the meaning of existence? Because they sure aren't answering phones or solving problems.

The Training That Never Happened

You want to know why SBA customer service is so spectacularly awful? Because they don't train their employees. They just throw warm bodies at phone lines and hope for the best. These people know less about SBA programs than you do, and you're calling for help.

A former SBA customer service rep (who asked to remain anonymous because apparently the SBA has a vendetta against people who tell the truth) told us: "They gave me three days of training and then put me on the phones. Half the time, I was just making stuff up. The supervisors didn't know anything either. It was like the blind leading the blind, except the blind people were also drunk and having nervous breakdowns."

The Bottom Line: You're on Your Own

Here's the harsh reality: SBA customer service isn't designed to serve customers. It's designed to discourage you from asking for help. They want you to give up, go away, and stop bothering them with your "small business problems." Every phone call is an endurance test designed to break your spirit.

So the next time you need help from the SBA, save yourself the agony. Don't call customer service. Instead, try these equally effective alternatives: shouting at a brick wall, asking your dog for financial advice, or sending your questions via carrier pigeon to a random address in Montana. You'll get better results, and you'll preserve what's left of your sanity.

The SBA's customer service motto should be: "We're not happy until you're unhappy." Because that's the only thing they consistently deliver. Welcome to government efficiency, where the phones work but the people don't.

The SBA's 'Hardship Accommodation' is a Sick Joke. Here's the Punchline.

So, you're drowning. The EIDL loan that was supposed to be a life raft has become an anchor, and the SBA's collection goons are circling. Then you see it—a glimmer of hope. The "Hardship Accommodation Plan." It sounds so compassionate, doesn't it? It sounds like they finally understand. They're offering a helping hand.

Spoiler alert: It's a trap. That helping hand is holding a pair of brass knuckles. The SBA's hardship plan isn't a lifeline; it's a beautifully designed bureaucratic mousetrap, and your financial future is the cheese.

The "Generous" Offer That Makes Things Worse

Here's the deal they offer: for six months, you can pay a "reduced" payment, often just 10% of what you normally owe. It feels like breathing room. But what they don't scream in the headlines is the punchline: your loan is still accruing interest at the full rate.

While you're making these tiny "hardship" payments that don't even cover the interest, your total loan balance is actually *increasing*. It's like trying to bail out a sinking boat with a teaspoon while someone is actively pouring more water in. You're paying them money to go deeper into debt.

This isn't a payment plan. It's a debt-escalation program disguised as assistance. It’s a masterclass in kicking the can down the road while ensuring the can gets heavier and more explosive with every kick.

The Catch-22: Accepting Help is an Admission of Guilt

Here's the most insidious part of the whole scam. To even qualify for this "help," you often have to be officially delinquent. By signing up, you are formally raising your hand and telling the SBA, "Yes, I am in default." This triggers a whole new level of bureaucratic hell. It can cement your status as a credit risk, making it even harder to get legitimate private financing to actually save your business.

They've created a system where the only way to get their "help" is to first admit you've failed, a failure they then use against you. If you want to see the official, mind-numbingly confusing details for yourself, you can try to decipher their guidance on the SBA's EIDL management page. Good luck.

It's Not a Bug, It's a Feature

Why would they design such a counter-intuitive, predatory system? Simple. It's not for you. It's for them. The Hardship Accommodation Plan is a data-collection tool. It allows the SBA to neatly categorize delinquent loans and streamline the process of handing your file over to the Treasury for collection. You think you're getting a payment plan; you're actually just helping them fill out the paperwork to garnish your future earnings.

They aren't trying to help your business recover. They're trying to make their balance sheets look better. They need to show Congress they have a "plan" to deal with the millions of loans going into default—a crisis they created with their own incompetence. You're not a person to them; you're a data point in a recovery statistic.

So next time you see an offer of "hardship accommodation" from the SBA, see it for what it really is: a sick joke. And the punchline is that you're expected to pay for the privilege of being screwed over. LOL, SBA. You've done it again.

The Great SBA Betrayal: How They're Clawing Back Your COVID Loans

You remember that feeling of relief? That first deep breath you took when your EIDL loan finally hit the bank in the middle of the pandemic? For a fleeting moment, it felt like the government actually did something right. It felt like you had a fighting chance. Well, that feeling is dead. The SBA is now coming back for that money with the ruthless efficiency of a loan shark, and they're not distinguishing between legitimate owners and the criminals they funded.

This isn't about collecting from the fraudsters who bought Lamborghinis. Oh no, that would require actual work. This is about shaking down the little guys. The SBA has unleashed a full-scale collections assault, and its primary target is the very people it was supposed to save.

The Policy Flip-Flop That Screwed Everyone

For years, the SBA had a policy of not pursuing aggressive collections on COVID EIDL loans under $100,000, deeming it not "cost-effective." Thousands of struggling business owners, crushed by inflation and a crippled economy, operated under this assumption. Then, in 2024, the agency did a complete 180. With no warning, they reversed course and sicced the Treasury Department on anyone with a delinquent loan, regardless of the amount.

Suddenly, millions of business owners started receiving ominous letters threatening Treasury Offset. That means the government can legally seize your tax refunds, Social Security payments, and other federal benefits to satisfy the debt. It's the financial equivalent of a home invasion, sanctioned and executed by the same people who told you they were there to help.

Let that sink in. They can't find the time or resources to go after the international crime syndicates they funded, but they have a perfectly automated system to garnish the tax refund of a coffee shop owner in Ohio who is three months behind on her payments. This isn't just incompetence; it's a calculated act of cruelty.

Welcome to Collections Hell

If you've been unlucky enough to fall behind, you know the nightmare. The automated calls. The threatening, vaguely worded letters. The endless maze of call centers where no one has the authority to actually help you. You'll be told to fill out hardship accommodation forms that seem to disappear into a digital void.

We spoke to a freelance photographer from Florida who tried to set up a payment plan. "I spent six hours on the phone being transferred between seven different people," he told us. "The last person told me my only option was to pay the full past-due amount immediately or face Treasury Offset. They didn't care that my business was still down 40% from pre-pandemic levels. They just read from a script."

This is the thanks you get for playing by the rules. You used the money for payroll. You kept your doors open. You fought to survive. And now the SBA is treating you like a deadbeat, all to clean up the catastrophic mess they made when they threw open the vaults to every scammer on the planet.

They Will Ruin Your Credit, And They Don't Care

The final insult in this grand betrayal is the damage to your personal and business credit. The SBA is reporting these delinquent EIDL loans to credit bureaus, cratering scores and making it impossible for struggling owners to get the private financing they need to actually recover.

Think about the sheer insanity of it: a government agency gives you a disaster loan because your business was harmed by a disaster, and then when you struggle to repay it because you're still recovering from that disaster, they ruin your credit so you can't get any other help. It's a bureaucratic death spiral designed by morons.

So if you're one of the millions caught in this collections nightmare, know this: It's not you. It's them. The SBA created the largest financial disaster in modern history, and now they're making the survivors pay for it. They chose to fund criminals and betray the citizens they were sworn to serve. Never forget that.

The SBA COVID Debacle Nobody Wants to Talk About

How the SBA Ate My Ass

SBA Mental Gymnastics: Stupid in Its Final Form