BREAKING: SBA Discovers Fire, Still Can't Process Loans

In a stunning development that has rocked the bureaucratic world, sources confirm that the Small Business Administration has officially discovered fire. The agency, which previously believed the warm glowy thing was "witchcraft" and "probably a scam," now acknowledges that fire is real and can be used to heat things.

"This is a major breakthrough for us," said an SBA spokesperson, speaking from inside a cave illuminated by a single torch. "We're currently forming a task force to study the implications of this 'fire' technology. We expect preliminary findings sometime in 2047."

The Discovery Timeline

According to internal documents, the SBA first became aware of fire when an employee accidentally left a magnifying glass on a stack of loan applications. Rather than processing the applications, the agency spent six months investigating who was responsible for the "mysterious combustion event."

When asked if this discovery would help them modernize their loan processing systems, the spokesperson laughed for approximately three minutes before composing themselves. "Oh, you're serious? No. Absolutely not. We're still using technology from the Eisenhower administration, and we see no reason to change that."

Critics point out that the wheel was invented approximately 5,500 years ago, and the SBA has yet to acknowledge its existence. "We're taking a cautious approach to these so-called 'wheels,'" the spokesperson explained. "They seem round, and that's suspicious."

The agency also announced plans to hire 200 new employees to stand around the fire and make sure it doesn't do anything unexpected. These positions will be funded by the same budget that was supposed to go toward customer service improvements.