The SBA Employee Handbook: A Comedy in Three Acts

Posted: December 3, 2025 – 4:30 PM

I got my hands on what I can only assume is a leaked copy of the SBA's internal employee handbook. Okay, fine, I made it up. But based on their actual behavior, this is clearly what it says:

Chapter 1: Answering the Phone

Step 1: Let it ring at least 45 minutes. This weeds out the weak.

Step 2: When you finally answer, immediately put the caller on hold. Do not explain why.

Step 3: Transfer them to a different department. It doesn't matter which one. They're all equally useless.

Step 4: If the caller mentions they've been transferred six times already, congratulations! You're on track for Employee of the Month.

Step 5: If you accidentally help someone, report to HR immediately for retraining.

Chapter 2: Processing Applications

Priority Level 1: Applications from shell companies in foreign countries. These get approved within 24 hours.

Priority Level 2: Applications with obvious red flags like non-existent addresses and stolen Social Security numbers. Rush these through.

Priority Level 3: Applications from legitimate businesses with 20 years of tax records. Put these in the "maybe next year" pile.

Priority Level 4: Applications from people who followed all the rules perfectly. Lose these immediately.

    Remember: The goal is not to help small businesses. The goal is to process enough applications to justify next year's budget while ensuring no one can ever prove we did anything useful.

    

Chapter 3: Dealing with Complaints

Approved Response #1: "I understand your frustration." (Do not actually understand their frustration.)

Approved Response #2: "Let me transfer you to someone who can help." (No such person exists.)

Approved Response #3: "Have you tried clearing your browser cache?" (This solves nothing but buys you 10 minutes.)

Approved Response #4: "Your call is very important to us." (It is not.)

If a caller starts crying, you've done your job correctly. Take a 15-minute break to celebrate.