SBA Announces New "Hunger Games" Approach to Loan Processing

In a bold move to address their massive application backlog, the Small Business Administration announced today that they will be implementing a "Hunger Games" style approach to loan processing. Under the new system, small business owners will compete against each other for the privilege of having their applications reviewed.

"We've been processing loans on a first-come, first-served basis, and that clearly wasn't working," explained an SBA official who requested anonymity because they were "pretty sure this is illegal." "Now, applicants will fight to the death in a televised arena, and the survivors will move to the next round of processing."

How the New System Works

Round 1 - The Document Dash: Applicants must sprint across a field while being pelted with requests for additional documentation. Those who can produce a Schedule C from 2019 while dodging flying 4506-T forms advance to Round 2.

Round 2 - The Phone Tree Labyrinth: Contestants must navigate a physical maze designed to replicate the SBA's phone system. Each wrong turn results in being transferred to a different section of the maze. Average completion time: 47 hours.

Round 3 - The Waiting Room: Survivors sit in uncomfortable chairs while a clock counts up. The first person to crack psychologically is eliminated. The current record is 11 months.

Consumer advocacy groups have criticized the new approach, calling it "inhumane," "probably unconstitutional," and "only slightly worse than the current system." The SBA responded by pointing out that at least this way, applicants would get a definitive answer within a few weeks, "which is more than we can say for the old process."

Sponsorships for the event are already rolling in. The Treasury Department has signed on as the official "Financial Ruin Partner," while the IRS will sponsor the "Unexpected Audit" obstacle.